Dear...

Dear Self,

Why is it that whenever you think of something you can write about on your blog you completely forget what it was in the 8 second time frame between logging on to the computer and bringing up the internet?

Also, are you allergic to being fat? Because ever since you gained back all that weight you lost after your mission you have gotten increasingly, and annoyingly, itchy. What gives? Is that even medically possible? Will you just quit it already?

And really, why did you gain back all that weight? Ugh.

Dear Springville City,

Is it really necessary to shut down the north-south street that I have to cross to get to my house for 10 blocks for your construction project? Especially when every time I drive by one of the closed streets there is absolutely nothing going on and no reasonable explanation for why I can't just cut across, except for the 89 million orange barrels blocking the way. Also, if it is an absolute necessity to make me drive a mile out of my way to get home (even though you only have enough crew members and equipment to work on one block at a time) could you at least not open random streets at random times to get my hopes up, only to close them less than 24 hours later? Because that is just cruel. If I have to drive around you, fine, but don't tease me. We're both too old for that.
Additionally, would you consider repealing your anti-sign law? I know that you don't want city property to be littered with yard sale and puppies-for-sale signs, but people in this city have obviously found a way around this law. They now post their signs on their cars and park them on main street. This means that people interested in yard-sailing now slow down and brake ON MAIN STREET to jot down addresses, thus blocking traffic and posing a real danger to themselves and others. Would it be that difficult to create a new law allowing signs to be hung only for 24-48 hours before a yard sale? Then you could write tickets to the people who don't clean up their signs. This would be easy because their addresses are right there on the sign! You could just ticket them through the mail! Think of the revenue! Think of the eased flow of traffic! If you are not keen on that idea, how about making it legal to hit people who brake on main street to look at the yard sale signs?
One last thing: Are you aware that the haz-mat trucks that you park next to the library (where lots of people see them) say "Participating Agency's", rather than "Participating AgencIES"? I don't mean to be a stickler, but when it comes to a professional organization dealing with the clean-up and disposal of hazardous materials you really can't afford to have people question their confidence in you. Just a thought.

Dear Winco,

How could you discontinue the most delicious toffee caramel scones ever?! They were approximately 35% of your coolness (the other 65% being made up of your amazing low prices and your selling items like cereal, granola, sugar, etc per pound like bulk candy). I can't fathom that the scones weren't selling. Anyone who has tasted their deliciousness would be unable to restrain from buying them. So maybe your problem is advertising. In which case I would be willing to help you sell them using whatever skills I may have, even if it means going door to door giving out samples. You are a company that is very new to this area so I am sure that their not selling only has to do with not many Utahns having tried them and that once they do your sales of said scones will go through the roof. However, if you are still set on discontinuing them then could you please see fit to send me the recipe? That way at least I will be able to treasure them, even if nobody else knows how good they are.

Dear Russian,

I hope you were not offended by my last post. If you couldn't tell I am somewhat sarcastic. I don't really think you are a stalker and you are welcome to continue reading my blog. And I hope you do because it makes me feel important to have international readership :)

Dear certain people,

Isn't it just a teeny bit hypocritical to be so bullheaded about immigration when you yourself are the product of immigrants? I mean, I'm not saying open the borders and have a free for all but by your own zero tolerance policy the American Indians should technically be able to kick you the hell out of their land. Your immigrant parents didn't speak their language when they came here, and they weren't forced to learn it either. And wouldn't you know it, just a few generations later their progeny managed to assimilate into the culture just fine. (If by fine you mean becoming intolerant anti-immigration bigots :)

Dear Mosquitos,

Thank you for not biting me more this year. You have gotten me a few times but thanks to my fat allergy (see above) I don't think I could handle much more. So thanks for backing off.

And finally, Dear Readers,

Thanks for putting up with me and finding humor in what I write even if if seems like a giant rant (which at times it may be. And probably is.)