You Can Count, Right?

Because if not your kindergarten teacher should be beaten. And if you can count to twenty and still come through my express lane with 48 items, you should be beaten.
I'm just sayin'.
Also, while I'm on the subject of grocery store checkouts I will let you in on a little secret: The self checkout lanes are sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much slower than any cashier, even one-armed Tina. In order to save any time at all at a self-checkout lane ALL of the following conditions must be met (ALL OF THEM! NO EXCEPTIONS!) :

• You must have fewer than 10 items. More likely 5, but maybe you are one of the exceptional people who can handle 10
• You must not have any produce. Zero. Even if you are a genius. No exceptions.
  
• You must not have any items you do not want bagged. Yes there is a skip bagging button but if you have to press it you will not save any time and will only become frustrated at it when it refuses to let you continue without the assistance of a cashier.
  
• You must not have multiples of any item, especially items you don't want bagged. See above.
  
• You must be willing to accept the machine as omnipotent. I do not care if you are the offspring of Stephen Hawking and (I'm trying to think of the most genius female ever and I can't come up with one. I'm not so sure how I feel about that...) I'm sorry, but you are not smarter than the machine if you stand there slack-jawed with your scanned item in hand while the screen reads "please bag item." Berating the machine to its screen, while amusing to the cashier, will only serve to prove your inferiority and unworthiness before the all-knowing machine.
  
• You must not have unruly children with you. (And really, who comes to the grocery store without unruly children :)
  
• You must not be purchasing phone cards, electronics, restricted items (R movies, cold medicine, spray paint, etc) or price matching any items. All of those require the assistance of a cashier, who is probably busy helping 3 other novices who foolishly thought they could beat the odds and take on the machine.

In other words, if you are just buying chapstick, please, feel free to use the self-checkout. Otherwise, please wait behind the jerk with 48 items in the express lane to check out. And don't be frustrated when she pays with a combination of cash, check, credit card and beads. It's still better than hearing "Please wait for assistance."