It turns out apathy and depression look an awful lot alike. So the fact that the phrase "no me nace" was suddenly resonating with me last time I posted makes a lot more sense.
I'm doing much better now. Once I realized what the problem was I was able to visit with my doctor, make some adjustments, and get back to being (somewhat) productive, and much more enthused about life in general.
I've never written about having depression, for a lot of reasons. First and foremost is because I have tried not to make it the defining feature of my life. I think I have succeeded in this overall, because I find that when I do tell people they tend to be somewhat surprised. I'm taking that as a good sign, not that I am doing a good job of hiding it, but that I am living a productive, happy life in spite of depression. That's my goal anyway.
I also haven't written about it because I feel like depression is a different experience for everyone. So my experience of depression may not be true for someone else who has it. That makes it hard to generalize.
The way I have come to see it is that everyone gets out of bed in the morning on the same level. Lets say level 5 on a 1-10 scale. Whether they go up or down from there is really their own decision. They can make it a level 9 day if they want to or they can take the opposite tack and make it a miserable level 2 day. For someone who has depression, they don't have the luxury of waking up at level 5. Most days, they wake up at level 3, or lower. So to get to a level 8 day takes much more work. When that continues day in and day out it gets to be so exhausting that you're lucky if you even make it to level 5 most days. And that gets even more exhausting, and the cycle continues until eventually you don't even want to get out of bed at all. Screw the levels, I'm exhausted from all this climbing!
For me, that is where medication comes in. Taking a pill allows me to wake up at level 5. It puts me on the same playing field as most everyone else. And ultimately, just like everyone else, I am responsible for whether I go up or down that day.
And lets be honest, some days I (and you too!) choose to go down. That's ok. Bad things happen and we get grumpy and we want to sit and wallow in our own misery for a bit. The difference is at that point I can't blame it on my depression. Because I know full well that I chose to go down to the pits of despair. I didn't wake up there. So eventually I will put on my big girl panties, take responsibility for myself, and climb back up to where I need to be.
That's what makes sense to me anyway. I don't know if that view works for everyone, but what it does for me is make allowances for a legitimate illness without letting that illness control my life or define who I am. It allows me to scale mountains that depression would have me believe are impossible for me.
And speaking of mountains, I crossed one off my List of Possibilities just a few weeks ago.
I hiked Timpanogos!!
(This is the view of what the very top looks like from the back side.)
My roommates and I all have birthdays that fall within one month of each other so we decided to celebrate them by doing something that all of us have always wanted to do but never had the chance to before.
Man we were stupid : ) We should have gone out to dinner, or had a spa day, but instead we woke up before the crack of dawn and spent all day scaling a mountain, with no prior experience, carrying way too much stuff, and going about as slow as possible without moving backwards.
But it was worth it.
These are some of the views from the top.
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Looking toward Deer Creek Reservoir and Heber Valley.
Utah Lake and surrounding valley.
As it turns out, it was kind of a monumental hike for all 3 of us. Each of us had been facing some challenges: depression, discouragement, not succeeding in our endeavors and other general disappointments. As cheesy as it sounds, scaling the mountain taught each of us lessons that we needed to learn.
Me, Katie and Karen
I won't go into the cheesy lessons. You kind of had to be there. But suffice it to say that at the end of the day, I was there and I was happy I made it.
That's my name. 3rd from the bottom. (Notice the age: 30! aaahhhh!)
I forgot to take a picture of myself at the very top so here is a picture of the shack at the top taken from my phone, to prove I was there : )
All in all it has been an eventful summer and fall, with unexpected highs and lows. I am glad to have moved back toward the higher end. Or at least toward more balance. And as much as I know that my life might have been easier if depression had never entered it, I also know that I will always be grateful for the lessons it has taught me. As much as I have tried over the years to not let it define me I can't deny that it has shaped me. And I am not sorry for the person I have become.
I hope that each of you are having success in learning lessons in cheesy ways. If you ever need a friend to hike a proverbial mountain with, I'm there for you.
