Here is a picture of the avocado plant I started growing. (Its the tall one. The vine-y one at the bottom is apparently a begonia. I highjacked the pot from my mom. Mostly because I didn't think the avocado would grow.)Much to my surprise (which shouldn't really be a surprise at all considering the fact that seeds were made to go into the dirt and grow into plants) it grew. And grew some more until it grew a stalk and some leaves. I was very pleased by all this because the conventional wisdom on growing avocados is that you have to stick toothpicks into the avocado and suspend it over a mason jar filled with a solution of water, French truffles (which are not chocolate...that's another story), and platypus egg yolk. Then, if by some miracle your avocado pit sprouts, you can pot it in a mix of Saharan sand, Scottish peat, and crab guano and grow it in a temperature controlled greenhouse at approximately 2,147 feet above sea level. In other words, it's an arduous process. Which explains why they can charge a dollar for a tiny, unripe avocado at the grocery store, I suppose.
So anyway, I was really happy when all I had to do was stick the pit straight from the avocado into some garden variety potting soil and voila: Avocado tree. With visions of delicious ripe avocado dancing in my head I took to the internet to determine how long it might take for the tree to bear fruit. Now, keep in mind that I am aware that I am impatient, but I was not expecting miracles here. I'm thinking a minimum of 2-3 years before the little sappling pictured above gets big enough to hold fruit without snapping itself in half. And I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is 15 years!!!!
Really? I can't even sign onto a two year cell phone contract or live in one apartment for more than nine months at a time! How am I supposed to care for a glorified houseplant until I'm 39 years old!?! I didn't sign up for this. I mean, if I wanted that kind of comittment I would have adopted. At least kids start doing impressive things before they turn 15. All my friends' kids are about a year old and they're already crawling and eating solid food. Is it too much to ask for an avocado tree to pick up the pace a little?
Actually there is one other option. It involves stem cells and a trip to Madagascar...Just kidding. It is almost that involved though. Apparently you can graft branches from a mature avocado tree (which are obviously very plentiful in Utah) onto the slowpoke tree and get fruit after about 3-4 years. From what I have heard about grafting it is not a job for a layperson, which means that I would have to pay a professional to do it, which means that in addition to being faster, adoption would likely be cheaper too!
For now I think I will just let it battle it out with the begonia. If all else fails I can just leave it with my mom (something you really can't do with kids, adopted or not). She has too much guilt to intentionally kill a plant so she might just keep it around for another 15 years. If so, you all are invited to my 40th birthday party. I'll be making a killer guacamole.
